I'm working through Tim Kelley's "True Purpose" book, and am uupacking what he calls "ego blocks", regions of my personality or psyche that have historically prevented my purpose from revealing itself. The point of the exercise is to identify and personify these regions, so that their desires and concerns be made explicit and validated - the point of which is to strike bargains with each aspect of the psyche to allow the purpose to reveal itself. A few weeks back I posted on one of these regions, my inner critic. After re-reading it, I discovered that there were 3 voices, not one. They were the Critic, the Zen Monk and the Comfort King. After flushing out the Comfort King, I discovered 2 more. So after a bit of renaming, we have the following Directors, or Purpose Saboteurs:
- The Critic - he tells me I'm not good enough, that I don't have what it takes to do something great, to find my gift and give it away.
- The Zen Monk - he tells me there is nothing new under the sun. He is equal parts philosopher and mystic, and asserts everything is empty, so fuck your purpose and just be here now, man.
- Milt - he is addicted to his senses. He loves partying and pussy and is afraid that purpose will mean less partying and pussy.
- Mr. Safety - he strives for financial and psychospiritual well-being, for balance and for unexceptional, yet deep living.
- The Marlborough Man - he tells me that modernity is ending, and that my purpose is irrelevant in a post-apocalyptic scenario, so I should stop being such a winey douche and get back to the land.
More on these 5 characters:
Critic
Me: Who are you that has concerns about me finding my purpose?
Voice: I am the critic. I don’t believe you have what it takes to use your gifts constructively.
Me: What role do you play in my life?
Critic: I make sure you don’t get yourself into situations you can’t handle. I’ve failed you a number of times, in not being able to diminish your confidence and your insane outbursts against organizations that feed and clothe you.
Me: What are your goals?
Critic: To keep you from the effects of thinking, saying and using your seemingly endless fount of ideas. I am your eyes and ears, your man on the ground, the one so adeptly in tune with the needs and desires of those who love you and society in general. My job is to keep you connected to others, to keep you in their good graces. I have a secret, when you think you are being original true and authentic, you are just rebelling against me, creating a notion of justice that is opposed to what you think my goals are. Your true self, the being you seek is not in defeating me, but through your purpose.
Me: What are your needs?
Critic: I need to know you are not being a fucking idiot, by posting random nuclear things on facebook and other places. I need to know you will obey a modicum of social conventions so that you do not sabotage your well-being and, frankly, your ability to execute your purpose. If you get yourself into situations you cannot handle or are inclined to lie in, I have failed you. My job is to keep you in check, aware of what you can do and cannot do, so you don’t sink the fucking ship with your ideas. If you can assure me that you’ll consult with me as to you competencies and integrity of speech, I’ll feel much better about you finding yourself, and your purpose.
Me: When did you first appear in me?
Critic: I first appeared in you as a toddler. You were a hurricane, completely hyper active, curious creative, unaware and/or unconcerned about rules. I stepped in to keep you from breaking things, from getting your ass beat by your parents, from feeling the shame of their disapproval, from being such a total fucking lunatic that you’d never make a single friend and die a loner. I enabled you to experience the presence and love of your parents and brother. Because of me, the expression of who you are was limited and palatable to others, and as a result, you made friends. Because of me you eventually got yourself laid, into college and the workforce.
Me: Are you modeled after someone in my life?
Critic: Yes, I am modeled after your father who is astute in understanding the needs, desires and expectations of society. Your dad became who he was so you wouldn’t have to. You are becoming who you are so your kids won’t have to. I am also modeled after your older cousins and the Brat Pack who defined cool and acceptable in the 80’s. Without these constraints you’d be unable to feed yourself or build human connection. I believe a thank you is in order.
Me: Yes, it is. Thank you. I am so grateful for your help in getting me through the first 35 years of my life, for ensuring I possessed a modicum of social esteem, while I developed and continue to learn who I am. Thank you. Thank you on behalf of my parents, on behalf of my family and friends and coworkers.
Me: What concerns do you have about me finding my purpose?
Critic: I am concerned you will find something so totally esoteric (consistent with the incoherence of your previous outbursts, so completely original and beyond the realm of usefulness, that you’ll be poor, unuseful and die alone. I’m concerned your purpose will give you even more confidence than you already have and you’ll feel entitled to spout off even more about any topic you feel like, and with even greater disregard to your knowledge of said topic.
Me: What would happen if those concerns actually came true? BTW, you should know I’m spouting off, spinning, throwing out of fear, frustration and anger that I have not found my place in life. With purpose, everything (job, wife, family, spiritual practice) will be on point.
Critic: I would have failed in my role as your protector and steward. I would have failed your parents in their ability to enjoy your company. I would likely have bankrupted one or both of them trying to save or support you. I would feel deeply saddened that I let a talent such as yours go to waste in your constant spinning, learning, distraction and multivariant outbursts and activities.
Me: If it were up to you, would you keep me from finding my purpose? Why or why not?
Critic: No, provided you could stand on your own and bring me into the mix when you know I’m needed. I need you to continually acknowledge me and the need for my input. I need you to either incorporate my counsel into the execution of your purpose or consult me, especially when the listening to needs and stories of others is play (which it almost always is) frequently.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true?
Critic: I’d be a failure in helping you combine your gifts in a big way, one that changes the world. If I let you run willy nilly with your intellectual pursuits, without an explicit agreement and pragmatic path forward, I will have failed you, and anyone who ever cared about you.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Critic: I would have shamed God/existence, allowing a cancer to spread in the place where a temple should stand; it is as if I told everything that is good and true in the world that it isn’t. I’d have rejected my own purpose, my own understanding of reality.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Critic: I’d want to die. It would be as if my own existence was no longer necessary.
Me: So you are afraid of non-existence?
Critic: Yes, but also feel a fiduciary responsibility to ensure that all of existence, not just mine exists.
Me: So you see, we are the same. We both choose existence and are violently opposed to its opposite. We are brothers, kindred energies who have to work together to achieve what is important to us both. If we both start to disappear, what agreement can we make to bring us back into our pledge to actively enable our own pure existences?
Critic: A simple level-set would do. Let us both perform a Maslovian analysis of critical situations. Let us cover our our social and emotional needs (healthy relationships with friends and family), before our transcendent, self-expression and purpose needs. My constraints are as follows:
- You choose your transitions to and from relationships and sources of employment, such that all parties feel heard, acknowledged and are hopeful for the future. The relationship must survive the form.
- You listen for the needs of others before you assert your vision for the world, such that your vision speaks to their needs. When you evangelize without regard, you violate our constraint.
Me: If I agree to the following will you let me pursue my purpose?
Critic: Yes.
Me: Would you accept the caveats that I can self-express on my blog, twitter feed and facebook?
Critic: As long as your musings do no specifically refer to people you know, your industry or your company.
Me: Agreed. I will need help with the listening piece. I cannot guarantee that I will be able to always listen for the needs of others before I share my own thoughts.
Critic: Promise me you’ll set the intention; that you’ll praise yourself when you do listen first, that you’ll acknowledge yourself and those you have bored that you evangelized needlessly and without regard to their needs and wants.
Me: What role would you like to play after I find my purpose?
Critic: Your friend and advisor, your confidant. I’d like to help you find humility, create deeper, longer lasting relationships and impact the hearts and minds of the entire world. I am your advisor and friend, lean on me whenever you are unclear about how to handle tricky relationships and situations.
Me: That sounds lovely. Let me sum up. We are brothers who want the same thing. Often times we’ve been at war because we haven’t acknowledged this kinship. I’ve acted like a fool and you’ve sabotaged me. We know see and love each other and are committed to the same future. In order to have your permission to find my purpose, you want me to listen to others first, and focus on my relationships. You want to be more of a friend and less of a heavy.
Critic: That is correct. I feel heard. I love you, man.
Me: I love you, man.
Zen Monk
Me: Who are you that has concerns about me finding my purpose?
Voice: I am the Zen Monk.
Me: What role do you play in my life?
Zen Monk: My job is to remind you that there is nothing new under the sun, that all your worldly desires and dreams and instincts are distracting you from your true self, from the one true reality – you are God, working his shit out.
Me: What are your goals?
Zen Monk: To insulate you from the perceived social and moral judgments of society. To remind you to soften your eyes, to be here now, to simplify your life so you have cycles for dwelling Here.
Me: What are your needs?
Zen Monk: I need you to become Enlightened, to realize your being in every moment, complete, non-dual awareness. I need you to focus on that and to stop spinning your wheels, diffusing your great gifts and energy trying to change the world, lust after women, masturbating, getting angry with existence, drinking yourself into a stupor, etc. I don’t need to list them all.
Me: When did you first appear in me?
Zen Monk: I first appeared in you the moment your father’s seed penetrated your mother’s egg. I morphed from the substrate of cosmic consciousness to express and discover this particular incarnation.
Me: Are you modeled after someone in my life?
Zen Monk: Yes, I am modeled after the Enlightened ones you’ve met, David, Ma, Jim, Jeannie, and all the non-dual teachers on your shelves: Lao Tzu, Shankara, Ecclesiastes, Ashtavakra, Nisargadatta, Jed, Richard, Franklin, UG, Eckhart, Jiddu, Aurobindo, etc. Many of these pay attention to your every movement, every expression of energy. They are there, watching and waiting for your awareness to deepen, expand, such that you think, speak and act from your truest nature. They remind you that there is no meaning, only the choice to deepen into or distract you from this very moment. I am your mom in her best moments of unconditional love, of gratitude, of communion with Nature, existence – her karma, her ceaseless selfless doing for others. I am your dad in his best moments of playfulness, of absurdity, contrast and humor. Your dad tuned your ability to see things not as they appear but as we would like to imagine them. You have been so blessed and ought to be grateful to have had these amazing influences.
Zen Monk: Yes, it is. Thank you and all your incarnations. I am over the top with joy. I’m happy to die today just knowing we touched. I am inspired to stay and deepen this touch, for myself, but also for the gift that this touch can be to humans and the cosmos.
Me: What concerns do you have about me finding my purpose?
Zen Monk: I am concerned your awareness will be fixated on the material, the body, the markers of acceptance, like title, fame and fortune, on having a material legacy like children, ideas, books and institutions. I am concerned you will forsake all the spiritual effort placed into your expression, for some tiny trinket of external expression.
Me: What would happen if those concerns actually came true?
Zen Monk: I would have failed in my role in this game as your deepener, as your flashlight upon existence through being. We don’t win many of these games, but with you, we feel it imminent, provided your will is trained upon it. Ultimately, there is no game or duty, but if you choose in believe in it, act dutiful to the spiritual gifts you have received and multiply them. It’s really of no importance to us. We’d just like to win once for fun.
Me: If it were up to you, would you keep me from finding my purpose? Why or why not?
Zen Monk: No, if by purpose you mean the ways to systematize bring your awareness to reality, to deepening each moment, while you provide for yourself and others.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true?
Zen Monk: Ain’t no thing. I’d smile as you descended into your philistine impulses. Every moment is an opportunity to hit the homerun. Keep spinning, but know you can play a huge game with the whole world. You can instantaneously awaken the planet to existence if you combine your gifts correctly (which is still very much TBD) in the time allotted to you.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Zen Monk: Like I said, ain’t no thing. You always have a choice to play with me or not. I have so many other games playing right now (~6B), and that’s just on this planet, so I won’t take it personally.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Zen Monk: Nothing.
Me: So you are sort of a disinterested ally of sorts.
Zen Monk: Yes, but also having a lot of fun enjoying you; however, there are more ways/moments we can enjoy each other, ever more deeply and completely.
Me: I dig it, man. We’re like playmates. You help me from being so damn serious with the injustices I perceive in the world. I help you play dress-up everyday.
Zen Monk: Correct! I just want to play with you more! I love you and wish you would spend more time with me. So much fun to have! Find your “purpose” or don’t, bu if you do, I desire the following:
- Meditate daily without expectation.
- Keep reading perennial texts.
- Turn people on to their potential.
- Have a reminder, like a bracelet or tattoo, to deepen, to smile, to show gratitude, to aid others.
Me: If I agree to the following will you let me pursue my purpose?
Zen Monk: You don’t need my permission, but if it pleases you, yes.
Me: Thank you for indulging me. How can I play with you today?
Zen Monk: Promise me you’ll set the intentions listed above.
Me: What role would you like to play after I find my purpose?
Zen Monk: Same as ever. I am reality, the substrate that sparked in your mother’s womb. Visit me whenever you wish, and I hope it is a lot!
Me: Agreed. Often times we’ve been at war because we haven’t acknowledged our kinship of playfulness; I’ve made earnest attempt at defining myself, acting like a fool and you’ve sabotaged this effort, bringing me back to reality, to my own meaninglessness.
Zen Monk: Word. Keep on keeping on.
Me: I love you, man.
Zen Monk: Love.
Milt
Me: Who are you that has concerns about me finding my purpose?
Voice: I am Milt. I don’t think your purpose will provide you with the resources for enjoyment of books, karaoke, scotch, movies and travel.
Me: What role do you play in my life?
MILT: I take care of your corporeal desires. I buy you books and movie tickets. I buy your wild west wear, your lavish trips, your scotch, your karaoke, your steak and mussels.
Me: What are your goals?
MILT: To ensure that you enjoy life.
Me: What are your needs?
MILT: I need to know you don’t forget to enjoy the ride.
Me: When did you first appear in me?
MILT: I first appeared in you as a child when you’d gorge yourself on sweets, watch TV all day, leave your room a mess.
Me: Are you modeled after someone in my life?
MILT: Yes, I am modeled after your grandfather, Milt, who never turned down a party. It is because of me that your did so many wild and reckless things in your twenties. I introduced you to hard drugs, deviant sex and the world’s greatest hangovers showing you the limits of your body. I put you on planes to Thailand and Brazil. I got your bitch ass to Burning Man, and created more bedroom stories than, also thanks to me, you’ll never be able to recount. I’ve gotten you into situations your pussy ass would have never had the balls to do. It is because of me that your 20’s were so prolific, that you, mostly, don’t need to resurrect as so many douchebags still do. It is because of me that you know you can fuck anyone if you so choose. I am your flirt, your threatening stranger, your ladies’ man. Frankly, it is because I did such a great job, that you know there is no meaning in the numerous ways to experience corporeal ecstasy, that your life is now free to pursue other things. Sure there are more drugs to take and girls to bang, but I’ve sated you in this department. You are free to pursue God, meaning and impact. But please do not do so without sending me three fingers of single malt and moulles with garlic, and dominating the karaoke stage on occasion.
Me: Thank you. I am so grateful for these gifts, as they still serve me. Prior to you, I was a sensitive recluse who enjoyed legos, Civilization, Sim City and nature, who never played with others and was afraid of girls. You brought me out of my shell, helped get me laid, and helped me see the outrageous and genius possibilities in life. I believe I am likeable because of you as well. Everyone loves a lech.
Me: What concerns do you have about me finding my purpose?
MILT: I am concerned you’ll go back to being a pussy, that the part of you that I worked so hard to build will die. Remember in your late 20’s you locked me up so you could be this sensitive new age douchebag? You stopped drinking and eating meat and banging chicks so you could fucking meditate?! I’m concerned you’ll be an overly earnest boor and forget how much fun you have dominating with your bschool, highschool and college buddies.
Me: What would happen if those concerns actually came true?
MILT: I would have failed in my role as your Chief Dominance Officer, as your great enjoyer. I will have lost you to your ideals and you’ll never be able to relate to the common man, to the business man, to those who are necessary to bring along with you on your path.
Me: If it were up to you, would you keep me from finding my purpose? Why or why not?
MILT: No, provided you guarantee me at least one guys weekend a year, you dominate the karaoke lounge whenever you desire and you celebrate your accomplishments with good food and booze.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true?
MILT: I’d be a failure and you’d be a pussy and likely wouldn’t be able to relate to those you are attempting to lead into a deeper and more fulfilling future.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
MILT: I’d have failed in my purpose of helping you enjoy life.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
MILT: I’d regret ever having met you, that my time here has been wasted. I would feel no sense of purpose or worth.
Me: So you are afraid of non-existence?
MILT: Yes, but like so many, I am invested in you having a big life, a big impact, so I’m afraid of you not achieving your potential by forgetting me.
Me: What agreements can we make to bring us back into our pledge to actively enable our own pure existences?
MILT: As mentioned, here’s what I suggest:
- Have sex. Keep exploring in the bedroom. Cuddle. Eat lots of pussy.
- Celebrate your life with those you love. Drink scotch, eat rich food, sing karaoke, dance.
- Have at least 1 guys’ weekend a year.
- Travel – explore new lands, new food and drink.
Me: If I agree to the following will you let me pursue my purpose?
MILT: Yes.
Me: What role would you like to play after I find my purpose?
MILT: Your god of wine, women and song. I am Bacchus. Let’s party.
Me: I love you, man.
Mr. Safety
Me: Who are you that has concerns about me finding my purpose?
Voice: I am Mr. Safety. I don’t believe finding your purpose will lead you to a rich and deep life..
Me: What role do you play in my life?
Mr. Safety: I temper your insane outbursts against organizations that feed and clothe you. I help you pay off your debt. I get you to the gym, to the yoga studio. I encourage investments in your financial, physical and psychological well-being. I am the maintenance man.
Me: What are your goals?
Mr. Safety: They are 2-fold: 1. to ensure you are financially solvent, meaning paying off your debt and building long-term value for you and your TBD family, 2. To ensure your psychospiritual health throughout your life – good food, healthcare, exercise, self-awareness work (meditation, therapy, reading, writing, time in nature), close personal relationships for witnessing and lifelong companionship, etc.
Me: What are your needs?
Mr. Safety: I need to know you’ll always be insured, that you’re exercising frequently, attending to your inner life, that you have 6 months of living expense on hand in case of emergency.
Me: When did you first appear in me?
Mr. Safety: I first appeared in you as a child, when you would hoard candy, when you built collections of baseball cards, coins and stamps, when you started working hard to earn grade bonuses and to save money for college.
Me: Are you modeled after someone in my life?
Mr. Safety: Yes, I am modeled after your mother and stepfather who strive to be healthy and balanced in all areas of their lives. Your mom is pro-therapy, pro-time-in-nature, a gardener, a lover of vegetables, a prolific saver (33% of net pay for 25 years), developer of close personal relationships. Your stepfather’s devotion to the outdoors, to frugality, to expanding experiences, to integrity in all its forms. It is because of them/me that you are of mostly sound health and mind and recognize the need to get back in integrity with your finances.
Me: Thank you. I am so grateful for your help in getting me through the first 35 years of my life, for ensuring I am healthy and am making progress with my finances. I still need your help as my career has been less than traditional and my finances are less than sound.
Me: What concerns do you have about me finding my purpose?
Mr. Safety: I am concerned you will continue being like a moth to a flame, endlessly distracted by all things human potential and novel, such that you don’t pay off your debts or become a stable provider.
Me: What would happen if those concerns actually came true?
Mr. Safety: I would have failed in my role as your protector and steward. In my failure I would likely have bankrupted one or both of them trying to save or support you. Which would also make it super difficult to keep a wife or support a family. I would feel deeply saddened that I let a talent such as yours go to waste in your constant spinning and distraction.
Me: If it were up to you, would you keep me from finding my purpose? Why or why not?
Mr. Safety: No, provided you could stand on your own and bring me into the mix when you are making big decisions about your psychospiritual and financial health and career.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true?
Mr. Safety: I’d be a failure in helping you combine your gifts in a big way, one that changes the world. If I let you run willy nilly with your intellectual pursuits, without an explicit agreement and pragmatic path forward, I will have failed you, and anyone who ever cared about you.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Mr. Safety: I would have let you waste yourself and failed my mission.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Mr. Safety: I’d want to die. It would be as if my own existence was no longer necessary.
Me: What agreements can we make so I can keep pursuing my purpose?
Mr. Safety: As mentioned, have a 6-month financial safety net; eat lots of vegetables; never let your health insurance expire; exercise moderately; keep doing your work with MKP, IAG and your therapist; consult me on the big decisions.
Me: If I agree to the following will you let me pursue my purpose?
Mr. Safety: Yes.
Me: What role would you like to play after I find my purpose?
Mr. Safety: Your CFO and Surgeon General – your point man on health and balance and growth.
Marlborough Man
Me: Who are you that has concerns about me finding my purpose?
Voice: I am the Marlborough Man. I think all your high falutin’ world changing shit is shit. Modernity is ending and you need to be a lot tougher than you are.
Me: What role do you play in my life?
Marlborough Man: I make you read survival books, I apprise you of the downward spiraling global economic condition, through Chris Martenson, I get you to Mariposa, into your cowboy boots. I ensure you think about water sustainable supplies and safety, about food supplies, about well defended homes. I bought your handgun and trained you how to use it. I orient you to long-term human maslovian value of things, ideas and situations, and not the funny money, status-conscious bullshit of our consumer economy. I’m the one who will put you in Tom Brown’s wilderness school, and will train you in how to use an assault rifle. I brought into your awareness the work of Sepp Holzer, Rudolf Steiner and Masonobu Fukuoka.
Me: What are your goals?
Marlborough Man: To protect you against the fallacies of modernity, of its bullshit prosperity promises, of the American delusion of hunky doriness. Its all shit, people are removed from their essence, from the source of their physical sustenance, from the core skills required. There will be suffering on a global scale when this reality comes to light.
Me: What are your needs?
Marlborough Man: I need to know you continue to deepen your connection to the planet, to the flora and fauna, to subsistence farming, to health and well-being.
Me: When did you first appear in me?
Marlborough Man: I first appeared in you as a child. You saw Rambo and recognized there was a destiny for you in nature, in survival. I bought you knives and camping gear and turned you on to Mission Impossible, the A-Team, MacGuyver and Gilligan’s Island. I continued by exposing you to every movie from the post-apocalyptic genre.
Me: Are you modeled after someone in my life?
Marlborough Man: Yes, I am modeled after your stepdad who is a rugged individualist, after MacGuyver, after Tom Brown.
Me: What concerns do you have about me finding my purpose?
Marlborough Man: I am concerned you will discover your purpose lies in the illusion of modernity and not in the land, not in your role as a man in of the planet.
Me: What would happen if those concerns actually came true?
Marlborough Man: You’d be just another lamb for the slaughter.
Me: If it were up to you, would you keep me from finding my purpose? Why or why not?
Marlborough Man: No, provided you would be able to survive, thrive and lead when it all comes crashing down.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if your fear came true?
Marlborough Man: I’d be a failure in helping you combine your gifts in a big way, one that changes the world. You have gifts that humanity will need after the crash. My job is to ensure that you survive the crash so that you can give them.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Marlborough Man: I would failed humanity and rejected my own purpose, my own understanding of reality.
Me: What is the worst thing that could happen if that came true?
Marlborough Man: I’d want to die. It would be as if my own existence was no longer necessary. I have a fiduciary responsibility to ensure that all of existence, not just mine exists, and if I fail, I die.
Me: Is there an agreement we can make so that you can continue on your path and I on mine?
Marlborough Man: Yes. Take Tom Brown’s course, and flush out your sustainable water and food strategy in Mariposa. Continue accumulating perennial and pragmatic texts for the reboot.
Me: If I agree to the following will you let me pursue my purpose?
Marlborough Man: Yes.
Me: What role would you like to play after I find my purpose?
Marlborough Man: Your hunting buddy and farming friend.
